The Pier

 

I cringe whenever I read, listen to or observe stereotypes about the black man of today’s society. You know what is said:  We are uneducated, at risk, prone to violence and are generally a threat to the community. It is said that if we make it to 21 without being shot, arrested or strung out on drugs, we are a rare breed.  It bothers me to the fullest extent simply because it’s not true. Yes, there are many brothas who fall victim to some of these things and fit the stereotype to a tee. But, we are so much more than what we are characterized by many to be.

In particular, one stereotype that always bugs me is the constant bashing of the black father, or lack thereof.  It always seems, whether in magazines, documentaries, message boards, etc. that black fathers are always being bashed for “not being there” or “not taking care of their responsibilities at home.” For years, black men have been chastised for making babies and leaving the mother to raise the child. As a result, many children, particularly young boys, never have a male figure in their lives growing up to teach them how to be men.

By no means am I trying to suggest that this does not happen, because it does. Where my problems lies is that there’s no other side to the story being told. For every dead beat brother, there are millions of black men who are strong family men and who take care of the children they bring into this world.

Fortunately for me, I was blessed to have male figures in my life growing up. My dad, grandfather and uncles were all intricate players in my development and helped shape me into the may I am now and continue inspire to be. The way I think, react and approach different life situations are all a direct result of what I saw my dad do and/or what he taught me. In many cases, I have to stop and laugh, because the things I thought were so stupid are the very things I’m emulating as I get older.

I will forever be grateful for the type of example my dad set before me. He talked the talked and walked the walk. But the reality is that he was a busy man. Between family, his medical practice and his work at the church stretched him thin a lot. Because of that,  I chose to keep some of my questions I had within, so as not to “bother” him. Now, this is not to say that I would have bothered him, I just know how much he had on his plate at certain times. Despite that, I hung on to his every word, whether I wanted to hear it or not.

As I’ve gotten older and moved away from home, the life lessons my dad and other men warned my about have certainly come to fruition.

But this past Christmas, the damnedest thing happened.

Quick side note: my dad broke his ankle fishing and was confined to w wheelchair during his rehab.

But again, the damnedest thing happened. We all went to Myrtle Beach for Christmas and there was a pier not too far from our timeshare. As soon as I arrived Tuesday night, all I heard my dad say was that he wanted to go to the pier. So Christmas Day, after the storm of everyone opening gifts had passed, my dad and I took the short trip over to the trip.

We sat and talked

About everything.

Life, money, relationships, faith and family.

It was, in my 26 years, one of the most gratifying conversations I’d ever had with my dad. And in that Christmas season, the best gift I received.

We talked about the value of a dollar. We talked about how important it is to find “that one” and treat her with respect and love.

I left the pier that day with a renewed sense of perspective on how to deal with some of the problems that life was presented to me. I left with a renewed confidence of how much support I had from my family to succeed.

I left after an hour at the pier – having met my dad for the first time.

A More Mature Me

[Disclaimer: This post was originally started on Nov. 8]

One of the toughest challenges for any guy is trying to understand and connect with the female species. Even in our best efforts to please and make women happy, there will forever be a disconnect simply because we are wired.

That’s life and the sooner we as men realize this and understand that, the better our friendships and relationships with the opposite sex will thrive.

However, in many cases, whether having grown up with sisters or having numerous close female friends some of us already are aware that there are contrasting differences that, no matter how much we read and how hard we try, we just will never think the same, react the same or take the same approach to any select subject.

Because of this, many of us men use that excuse in relationships to cover up for the real problem — our lack of maturity.  That fact is often times much more damaging than the problems that our emotional and psychological differences can create.

At 26, I certainly fall victim to this. While I have definitely “grown up” and am much better than years past, I recognize that there is work to be done. They way I handle situations, they way I react and the way I live in general.  And perhaps most important, it’s affected my relationship.

The Moose is a tad older than I. It’s something that has been in the open since the day we met. Fortunately, it was something that was never held against me — to my knowledge at least. But over the course of our friendship and relationships, there have been times were my maturity, or better yet lack thereof, has caused speed bumps.

The problem is, many times I don’t even recognize it …and she does. To me, my thoughts are my thoughts and I believe strongly in them. Perhaps because of my lack of maturity I don’t see the “big picture” which can be frustrating to her and any other woman.  So no matter how stubborn I may be, I have to realize that there’s room for improvement — room to get better.

It’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes to know that there’s room for improvement. It’s even harder to accept that your immaturity is frustrating someone you care about, whether it’s your friends, family or the woman you love.

But I accept it. Aside from relationships, maturing should be an everyday goal in life. And, it’s one of my daily goals — to become a better, more mature man. I do this to better myself, and in return, people, including her, will hopefully see the results.

Dear Summer

You left me abruptly last September, saying it was getting to chilly for you to stick around. As sad as I was, I decided it was best for us to take some time apart. I looked up to the sky hoping you’d come back, if only for a weekend, but you didn’t.  No longer could I walk around wtih shorts and cut off tees. No more cruising through the streets with the windows down and the sunroof back. Summer, I wished you were around last December as the scent of the Holidays was in the air and over a foot of snow was falling on the ground. But I was patient. I knew before long, we’d find our way back together again — if only for a short while.

Summer you’ll never know how good it felt to see you, feel you and smell you again this year. You came back into my life in my co-workers backyard Memorial Day weekend. You tapped me on the shoulder with a humidity I hadn’t felt in some time. It was at that moment I knew you were back in my life.

The past three months, you and I have experience laughter and joy, frustration and pain. But with every year we spend time together, it’s one of the best times of the year.

We spent a few days in Atlantic City. You and I walked the boardwalk together. I was tempted to ruining our relationship early on by gambling all my money away in the casino, but I was strong. We chilled in the 40/40 club together watching the Celtics win their 17th championship.

You know Summer, I can never take you for granted because I owe you my life. I was birthed to you. And this year, the 26th one, we celebrated like never before. We partied on a Friday and on Saturday, with your heat beating us on our backs, we grilled outdoors, taking in your fresh air.

As July came, you challenged me. You wanted to see if I could take the heat of your 90 degree temperatures and in life. You set obstacles on my job, with my finances and in my relationships. I admit, I, like others get jaded by your beauty and sometimes you’re going to only give me sunshine and no rain. But this summer, Summer, you definitely had some scattered showers along the way.

But like always, the clouds cleared, just in time for you to join me and my family in VA for a family reunion. A week later you went with me on my first trip to Chicago. I’d recommend a week in Chicago with you to anyone, Summer. You have the reputation of being an ideal host for weddings. And this year, you didn’t let me down. You and weddings in the south go hand in hand. I was fortunate enough to travel with the Moose and her family to NC and again, you gave us good weather.

So this is our last weekend together. As always, you can’t stay around forever and I know this. I just hope sometimes you lasted longer. In the next few weeks, you’ll slowly make your exit. You’ll tease me by showing your shinning sun as I look out the window in the morning. But when I step outside, it will be another story. Before long, you’ll be a distant memory.

Thank you Summer. It’s been fun. You brought joy to me and others for three months. All good things must come to an end. This isn’t goodbye, it’s just see ya later.

Until next year,

Huddy

My Joy

A couple of years ago, I found myself stuck in a Connecticut DMV, trying to get my car registered in the state and get a new driver’s license.

It was a few days before Thanksgiving so the lines where ridiculously long, so I waited and waited, trying not to get frustrated.  Eventually my number was called and I went up, took my picture for my new license — officially selling my soul to Jodi Rell and the state of Connecticut.

Like most DMVs there were multiple stops and this was just one of three for the day. The nice lady instructed me to go upstairs to get a “ticket” so I could get my new plates. Sigh — yet another line.

When I finally made it to the counter to get my ticket to wait — yet again–for my plates, the lady looked at my new license and made a comment on my picture. While I don’t remember the statement verbatim, it was something to the effect of why are you smiling?

I was surprised by her reaction — and to mines as well. I said something to the effect of, I have no reason not to smile.

And I don’t

That day in the DMV made me think. I took a look at some pictures of myself and noticed that I, in fact, do smile a lot in my pictures. And as I thought about it more this wasn’t the first time someone had questioned my cheesin’ Often times, for some reason, there’s a perception that young black men always have to be hard and not show emotion as it is a sign of weakness.

Not I.

I smile because I’m happy and pleased. I look at my life and the things I’ve been fortunate enough to experience and I can’t help but be happy. Yes, things aren’t always going to go smooth and there are times when I get upset, cuss and fuss, but I have a joy that sometimes is unexplainable.

Often times it’s called been silly and I have to keep it in the pocket to not go overboard, but when I’m in a good mood and happy, I’m not going to apologize and change who I am. I just hope the joy that I have will make someone else smile and be able to experience some of the happiness I enjoy from time to time.

Me, Myself and I

Today is Saturday. And, that means I haven’t seen or touched the Moose in six days.

I’ve talked to her, yes, but only have the image of her beautiful face in my head and the sweet scent she’s left in my place to get me through the days and nights.

She’s out of town for work for two weeks. So, until the 21st, it will just be me, myself and I.  Her schedule is such that throughout the course of the day, she’s in classes and seminars and I’m at work. So, we only get to chat here and there — mostly late at night.

This coming week, her travels take her to Charlotte, her home town. Like me, she doesn’t get to travel home that often, so I fully expect her to take advantage of her free time away from work to spend time with her family. I encourage and respect that.

The 21st is nine days away and even then, we’ll only have one day to share as I will head out of town for a week myself.

I can’t fix my fingers to type this without thinking of her, because I miss her. When you spend a large majority of your free time with someone, it’s hard when that’s taken away from you for any period of time — whether a couple of days or a couple of weeks.

But while I wish this Saturday afternoon we were together hanging out watching a movie or strolling through the mall, I truly this time we’re miles apart is a blessing in disguise.

In the midst of relationships, there are periods when things, for whatever reason, just don’t go right. In my opinion, it really has nothing to do with the lack of feelings or the love you have for the other person, it can simply be everyday life issuses, such as work, family, finances that stresses you out and in turn puts a strain on your relationship. We know this, but still try to “be there” for that person so they don’t feel slighted.

The Moose and I have gone through that. She and I work extremely hard in hopes of bettering ourselves professionally and personally. Often times, because we’re so busy outside of each other, when we’re together, we’re just plain tired and worn out and struggle to give each other what we need.

And there’s nothing wrong with that — that comes with the territory.

However when we’re putting all our time in energy in satisfying others at work and each other in the relationships, we sometimes forget about ourselves — which is not healthy for us or each other collectively.

So these few weeks, albeit a struggle, is a time I’m using to reestablish me, myself and I. I have some time to relax and relate. To have some ME time. In the midst of the silence, without her voice to keep me company, I’m getting closer to me, myself and I. Becoming more in turn in what I expect not only out of myself, but out of the relationships. To look at myself professionally and personally and make sure I’m doing what I need to do and am carrying my weight.

The time I’ve been present to have some alone time and better me, myself and I , the better man I will be we she returns.