Me, Myself and I

Today is Saturday. And, that means I haven’t seen or touched the Moose in six days.

I’ve talked to her, yes, but only have the image of her beautiful face in my head and the sweet scent she’s left in my place to get me through the days and nights.

She’s out of town for work for two weeks. So, until the 21st, it will just be me, myself and I.  Her schedule is such that throughout the course of the day, she’s in classes and seminars and I’m at work. So, we only get to chat here and there — mostly late at night.

This coming week, her travels take her to Charlotte, her home town. Like me, she doesn’t get to travel home that often, so I fully expect her to take advantage of her free time away from work to spend time with her family. I encourage and respect that.

The 21st is nine days away and even then, we’ll only have one day to share as I will head out of town for a week myself.

I can’t fix my fingers to type this without thinking of her, because I miss her. When you spend a large majority of your free time with someone, it’s hard when that’s taken away from you for any period of time — whether a couple of days or a couple of weeks.

But while I wish this Saturday afternoon we were together hanging out watching a movie or strolling through the mall, I truly this time we’re miles apart is a blessing in disguise.

In the midst of relationships, there are periods when things, for whatever reason, just don’t go right. In my opinion, it really has nothing to do with the lack of feelings or the love you have for the other person, it can simply be everyday life issuses, such as work, family, finances that stresses you out and in turn puts a strain on your relationship. We know this, but still try to “be there” for that person so they don’t feel slighted.

The Moose and I have gone through that. She and I work extremely hard in hopes of bettering ourselves professionally and personally. Often times, because we’re so busy outside of each other, when we’re together, we’re just plain tired and worn out and struggle to give each other what we need.

And there’s nothing wrong with that — that comes with the territory.

However when we’re putting all our time in energy in satisfying others at work and each other in the relationships, we sometimes forget about ourselves — which is not healthy for us or each other collectively.

So these few weeks, albeit a struggle, is a time I’m using to reestablish me, myself and I. I have some time to relax and relate. To have some ME time. In the midst of the silence, without her voice to keep me company, I’m getting closer to me, myself and I. Becoming more in turn in what I expect not only out of myself, but out of the relationships. To look at myself professionally and personally and make sure I’m doing what I need to do and am carrying my weight.

The time I’ve been present to have some alone time and better me, myself and I , the better man I will be we she returns.

Death’s gotta be easy, ’cause life is hard

I wasn’t one of those kids growing up who was shielded from the realities of life. My parents and family did their best to expose me to a wide array of things, both good and bad. And they didn’t shelter me so much that I wouldn’t encounter real life experiences.

Racism. Prejudice. Sickness. Death.

I’ve been to funerals. I’ve watched people, young and old, get sick, suffer and eventually die. Just this past week, a young man I knew growing up was executed by lethal injection for a murder he committed when we were in high school, some 11 years ago.

Death is inevitable. Those of us who are of the Christian faith understand that our day is coming but we believe that the casket is not our final home. We hope that if we live right, there’s room for us in heaven. At least, that’s what we say we believe.

Anyone who says they’ve never thought about death is lying. We all at one point or another have wondered about death as it relates to us. When, where, how? We’ve dreamt of our funerals. Who will show up and what will they say about us.

For me, it’s something that, even though I had some exposure to, still used to scare me. Depsite my religious and practical beliefs, what would really happen when I took my last breath. Would it be just like an unconscious state like sleep? Because after all, sleep IS the cousin of death.

To be clear, it’s not something that was constantly on my mind. But from time to time, I did think about it.

But as I got older, the realities of the real world set in and it was revealed to me that now that I’m on my own and not living off mom and dad that life is not easy. Sure we have times when things are going smooth. Finances are in good shape, we’re in sync with our significant others and we’re in good health. Life is good then. No worries. But if you’ve lived long enough you understand that those good times only last for a while.

I am a witness.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with a lot of different issues. I’ve been trying to maintain a tight budget, but continue to struggle. I’ve been doing my best to treat the SO right, yet it’s not good enough. I’ve been trying to look out for me, but yet still question things. One thing I pride myself on is the fact that I can face anything — I’ll never give up. But I’d be lying if I said to anyone that these struggles have been easy for me. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t become depressed and wonder if I’d be better off dead.

Because I have.

Sometimes I feel like Biggie: “I’m sick of niggas lying, I’m sick of bitches hawkin’, matter of fact, I’m sick of talkin’

But in spite of the hardships, I have to believe things are going to get better. I love and believe in myself too much to let things bring to the lowests of lows. I’ll make it through.

And plus, I’m dying inside thinking about what my momma would think.